My Brother Steve...

My Brother Steve…

I saw you last night.  You came to me in a dream but I know you were here.  I could see you.  I saw every line on your face.  Your eye, the clouded eye, the eye that you were blind in was so soft looking but yet both eyes gleamed.  And your smile was heartfelt and warming.  You were wearing a vibrant orange dress shirt.  It's so amazing.  As I searched for a photo, I found this one, a photo with you in the shirt you were wearing my dream.  The color complimented your complexion, which had the hint of a tan, and your hair ever so gentle gray.  You stood there in the threshold of a door.  The threshold had a gold metal transition strip on the floor.  Your toes were just at the edge of the transition strip as if you could not move even a hint of a step across the threshold.  I remember walking up to you and seeing the gentle lines on your face, and then embracing you in a hug, me on one side of the threshold and you on the other.  I sobbed and I hugged you.  Your were there, I know you were.  I was still asleep as the tears were streaming from my eyes.  Sitting up in bed, I was still sobbing and you were gone.   

I called mom to tell her I saw you.  She was happy, as she was reassured that you are indeed in heaven.  I know you are.  You told me once that you are there, that you are OK and are waiting for me (us) to join you one day.

I love you.  Thank you for coming to me.

Swing

Sometimes you make a decision and at the time, it seems like the right decision but then afterwards, when it’s too late, you realize it was possibly a mistake.

We came home from Italy last night and while we were away, our gardener dismantled and took away the old swing set that has stood in our backyard for the last 22 years.  It was an old wooden swing set, with ladders, a slide and two swings.  The ladders were broken and truth be told, it was probably a hazard and had become somewhat of an eyesore…but we still swung on that thing!  Every summer I would still go into the backyard and take a seat on one of the swings and just swing.

Why do things like this make me cry?  My girls are gone, one married and living in California and the other away at college but I feel like I have just ripped a piece of their childhood from their hearts.  Could we have not just left it there?  Was it really that bad?  I briefly looked through my photos to find a picture of the swing set in its happier days but I am not finding one.  I mention this to my daughter and she tells that me she has one “because I knew this day was coming” she says.  She texts the photo to me and underneath it writes “R.I.P”. 

We have happy memories of that swing set.  In the summer time when the girls were little, my husband would place a wadding pool at the base of the slide and the swing set was magically transformed into a water park.  I remember at least one occasion in which I think every kid in our development was in our backyard enjoying our backyard water park.  Why does life have to change, why do we have to grow up?  Was there really anything wrong with having this beloved eyesore in the backyard?

The slide had not been used in years, the rungs that went across the top were splintered, the ladder was missing several rungs, long since weathered and broken and the climbing rope was tattered and frayed.

But we could still swing…

On the Other Side

I made it through.....my funk that is. I went for a long walk in Lihue and continued to walk once I got back home. It's amazing what exercise and prayer can do for your psyche and soul! I am now at point where I am actually exited to fly! I have had the pleasure of working with the nicest and most pleasant group that it makes my encounter with "Mary" a distant memory and I am certain that nothing like that will happen again.

I can hardly recall where all I have been since my last post but I believe the list includes San Francisco, Dallas, Denver (again), Juneau, Vancouver, Phoenix and Anchorage. While in Denver this last time, I got more adventurous. As I checked into my room, I asked the hotel concierge how to get downtown and was given the instructions for the bus and light rail. I quickly went up to my room and readied myself for the adventure. As instructed, I walked two blocks past the hotel and caught the city bus and like most city busses, the clientele was a bit sketchy.....and even more so as I transferred and boarded the light rail! Lets just say Denver has some impoverished areas that are perhaps not the safest however I quickly befriended two security guards on the light rail and promised both that I would start my return journey well before dark! I had a delightful time wondering the 16th Street Mall (outdoor "mall" with boutiques, eateries and the usual street musicians as in any downtown area). I found the state Capitol building but unfortunately the building was not open on Saturday so no tour for me. The area surrounding the Capitol was very Greek/Italian looking but true to its Old West roots, also included a statue of a broncho rider! I was not in Juneau long enough for any serious sightseeing but I did get out for a brisk walk along the waterfront. Interesting little town and look forward to going back sometime (and I'm sure I will!).

One of the unexpected beauties of this job is the opportunity to connect with people from my past. While on layover in Phoenix, I had the pleasure of meeting up with one of my high school girlfriends......we had not seen each other in 40 years and had a wonderful time getting to know each other again and reminiscing.

Juneau

Denver

Denver

Always the first day of school

I had to make myself get out. Go for a walk. Attempt to get out of this spiral depression. Depression is taking hold, wrapping its arms around me. Something that I thought I wanted no longer seems so clear, so right. The phrase "watch what you wish for" now seems to becoming true. Is this really what I wanted? Is this really right for me?

I feel as though every time I get that "call" I am returning to the first day of school. I always hated the first day of school as a matter of fact, the first day of school traumatized me. I always cried. Even when I went to college the first day I cried. I find myself crying now. The unknown, who will be your class mates. What will the teacher be like, mean or nice? Every time I meet the new crew, these are the emotions that are looming. Mean or nice?

What am I doing here? I am crying now.

One of the "Five"

In our inflight training the instructors always told us that the flight attendants are all so nice and then they would laugh and say "well except for about five flight attendants". This was kind of a running joke through out training, these "five" flight attendants who weren't so nice and miserable in the job. I met one of the "five" the other night. The flight started out as any other, introductions, what position we would be working on the aircraft.....the usual stuff. "Mary" (not her real name and one of the "five") asked if I wanted to trade positions with her so she could work with her friend in the back of the aircraft. I agreed. For me, it doesn't matter which position I work, I am there to do a job, be part of the team. From this point things turned from OK to disaster. I am not sure what "Mary's" issue was, but from almost running me over with the beverage cart, snapping orders at me, refusing to bring me meals that customers ordered to threatening to write me up, she was without a doubt a miserable human being. I will admit, she shook me to my core. I realized, sadly, that everyone out there is not always going to be so nice, there will be other "Marys" that I will encountered and I must be better prepared emotionally next time.

Here is a fact about this career, you must be extremely adaptable. In most jobs you work with the same people day in and day out, you know what to expect. Being a flight attendant, you are working with different people all the time and you never know who and what you are going to get. I hope I can recover from this altercation with "Mary". I am fortunate that the two other flight attendants were there for me. One had previously had her own run in with "Mary" on another flight. Time will heal but I will now have my guard up just a bit more....not what I was planning on when I signed up for this but neccessary for survival!

Austin, Texas

Christmas Tree

Rotunda

Texas State Capitol

George W

I should have been writing my reflections from the beginning of this adventure but alas, with the holidays I was sidetracked. I went online (airline lingo not computer lingo) December 14 and since starting my “retirement” career, I have traveled to Maui, San Diego, Newark, Las Vegas and now I am in Austin, Texas. I love Austin. As I wandered from the hotel this morning, I found this wonderful bike-hike-running trail directly behind the hotel (Radisson in case you are wondering). Off I went and quickly found, well 3 miles later that I had most likely gone to far in one direction and was a bit lost. I need to better learn how to use maps on my iPhone! I caught a glimpse of the Austin skyline and it looked somewhat far off in the distance. Deciding it was best to back track, I found the trail that I have veered from and found my way back to my hotel. So many Austinites were out running and biking and the trail along the river is lovely! The trail is tree-lined with little wooden bridges and a stand that rents kayaks! Back to the hotel, a quick change and off to the state capitol. I believe (unbelievable!) that this is the first state capitol I have visited! After a short wait in line, off for my next adventure. The capitol is still decorated for Christmas and which includes a Christmas Tree that is actually called a Christmas Tree. I am loving this place! I next find a portrait of George W. Bush and take a photo of the portrait so as to send it to my mom and sister (they are thrilled). I wandered through the various hallways and took the stairs all the way to the top of the rotunda!

Question?

What do you do when you keep asking the question and you know you know the answer but you are too afraid to listen? I have been asking the same question for years but never have allowed myself to really be quiet and listen.....until today.