Swing

Sometimes you make a decision and at the time, it seems like the right decision but then afterwards, when it’s too late, you realize it was possibly a mistake.

We came home from Italy last night and while we were away, our gardener dismantled and took away the old swing set that has stood in our backyard for the last 22 years.  It was an old wooden swing set, with ladders, a slide and two swings.  The ladders were broken and truth be told, it was probably a hazard and had become somewhat of an eyesore…but we still swung on that thing!  Every summer I would still go into the backyard and take a seat on one of the swings and just swing.

Why do things like this make me cry?  My girls are gone, one married and living in California and the other away at college but I feel like I have just ripped a piece of their childhood from their hearts.  Could we have not just left it there?  Was it really that bad?  I briefly looked through my photos to find a picture of the swing set in its happier days but I am not finding one.  I mention this to my daughter and she tells that me she has one “because I knew this day was coming” she says.  She texts the photo to me and underneath it writes “R.I.P”. 

We have happy memories of that swing set.  In the summer time when the girls were little, my husband would place a wadding pool at the base of the slide and the swing set was magically transformed into a water park.  I remember at least one occasion in which I think every kid in our development was in our backyard enjoying our backyard water park.  Why does life have to change, why do we have to grow up?  Was there really anything wrong with having this beloved eyesore in the backyard?

The slide had not been used in years, the rungs that went across the top were splintered, the ladder was missing several rungs, long since weathered and broken and the climbing rope was tattered and frayed.

But we could still swing…

On the Other Side

I made it through.....my funk that is. I went for a long walk in Lihue and continued to walk once I got back home. It's amazing what exercise and prayer can do for your psyche and soul! I am now at point where I am actually exited to fly! I have had the pleasure of working with the nicest and most pleasant group that it makes my encounter with "Mary" a distant memory and I am certain that nothing like that will happen again.

I can hardly recall where all I have been since my last post but I believe the list includes San Francisco, Dallas, Denver (again), Juneau, Vancouver, Phoenix and Anchorage. While in Denver this last time, I got more adventurous. As I checked into my room, I asked the hotel concierge how to get downtown and was given the instructions for the bus and light rail. I quickly went up to my room and readied myself for the adventure. As instructed, I walked two blocks past the hotel and caught the city bus and like most city busses, the clientele was a bit sketchy.....and even more so as I transferred and boarded the light rail! Lets just say Denver has some impoverished areas that are perhaps not the safest however I quickly befriended two security guards on the light rail and promised both that I would start my return journey well before dark! I had a delightful time wondering the 16th Street Mall (outdoor "mall" with boutiques, eateries and the usual street musicians as in any downtown area). I found the state Capitol building but unfortunately the building was not open on Saturday so no tour for me. The area surrounding the Capitol was very Greek/Italian looking but true to its Old West roots, also included a statue of a broncho rider! I was not in Juneau long enough for any serious sightseeing but I did get out for a brisk walk along the waterfront. Interesting little town and look forward to going back sometime (and I'm sure I will!).

One of the unexpected beauties of this job is the opportunity to connect with people from my past. While on layover in Phoenix, I had the pleasure of meeting up with one of my high school girlfriends......we had not seen each other in 40 years and had a wonderful time getting to know each other again and reminiscing.

Juneau

Denver

Denver

Always the first day of school

I had to make myself get out. Go for a walk. Attempt to get out of this spiral depression. Depression is taking hold, wrapping its arms around me. Something that I thought I wanted no longer seems so clear, so right. The phrase "watch what you wish for" now seems to becoming true. Is this really what I wanted? Is this really right for me?

I feel as though every time I get that "call" I am returning to the first day of school. I always hated the first day of school as a matter of fact, the first day of school traumatized me. I always cried. Even when I went to college the first day I cried. I find myself crying now. The unknown, who will be your class mates. What will the teacher be like, mean or nice? Every time I meet the new crew, these are the emotions that are looming. Mean or nice?

What am I doing here? I am crying now.

One of the "Five"

In our inflight training the instructors always told us that the flight attendants are all so nice and then they would laugh and say "well except for about five flight attendants". This was kind of a running joke through out training, these "five" flight attendants who weren't so nice and miserable in the job. I met one of the "five" the other night. The flight started out as any other, introductions, what position we would be working on the aircraft.....the usual stuff. "Mary" (not her real name and one of the "five") asked if I wanted to trade positions with her so she could work with her friend in the back of the aircraft. I agreed. For me, it doesn't matter which position I work, I am there to do a job, be part of the team. From this point things turned from OK to disaster. I am not sure what "Mary's" issue was, but from almost running me over with the beverage cart, snapping orders at me, refusing to bring me meals that customers ordered to threatening to write me up, she was without a doubt a miserable human being. I will admit, she shook me to my core. I realized, sadly, that everyone out there is not always going to be so nice, there will be other "Marys" that I will encountered and I must be better prepared emotionally next time.

Here is a fact about this career, you must be extremely adaptable. In most jobs you work with the same people day in and day out, you know what to expect. Being a flight attendant, you are working with different people all the time and you never know who and what you are going to get. I hope I can recover from this altercation with "Mary". I am fortunate that the two other flight attendants were there for me. One had previously had her own run in with "Mary" on another flight. Time will heal but I will now have my guard up just a bit more....not what I was planning on when I signed up for this but neccessary for survival!

Austin, Texas

Christmas Tree

Rotunda

Texas State Capitol

George W

I should have been writing my reflections from the beginning of this adventure but alas, with the holidays I was sidetracked. I went online (airline lingo not computer lingo) December 14 and since starting my “retirement” career, I have traveled to Maui, San Diego, Newark, Las Vegas and now I am in Austin, Texas. I love Austin. As I wandered from the hotel this morning, I found this wonderful bike-hike-running trail directly behind the hotel (Radisson in case you are wondering). Off I went and quickly found, well 3 miles later that I had most likely gone to far in one direction and was a bit lost. I need to better learn how to use maps on my iPhone! I caught a glimpse of the Austin skyline and it looked somewhat far off in the distance. Deciding it was best to back track, I found the trail that I have veered from and found my way back to my hotel. So many Austinites were out running and biking and the trail along the river is lovely! The trail is tree-lined with little wooden bridges and a stand that rents kayaks! Back to the hotel, a quick change and off to the state capitol. I believe (unbelievable!) that this is the first state capitol I have visited! After a short wait in line, off for my next adventure. The capitol is still decorated for Christmas and which includes a Christmas Tree that is actually called a Christmas Tree. I am loving this place! I next find a portrait of George W. Bush and take a photo of the portrait so as to send it to my mom and sister (they are thrilled). I wandered through the various hallways and took the stairs all the way to the top of the rotunda!

Question?

What do you do when you keep asking the question and you know you know the answer but you are too afraid to listen? I have been asking the same question for years but never have allowed myself to really be quiet and listen.....until today.

My Blog

Well today I learned that my orginal blog (well I guess my second cuz I discovered I had this one and just so I remember, original views was 461 but that was from previous Showstoppers) is closing. I copied all of my post from VOX to Blogspot. Blogspot is a bit confusing but hopefully I will get the hang of it so here goes:

Dec 14, 2009 Original Post

So perhaps now I'm a real blogger. I have been thinking about blogging for awhile and after watching the movie "Julie & Julia" well, it was the inspiration I needed. Does anyone read this stuff? How do people find you. These are things I do not know but perhaps will eventually find out. I am wondering if people still send out Christmas cards? I sent cards last year but did not get many in return. I enjoy receiving but it seems like a lost tradition. Do I buy into that notion or do I continue the tradition? Christmas has gotten to be such a busy time. I am looking for the simple pleasures.

Christmas Day 2009 (My brother Steve)

Christmas Day 2009 (My brother Steve) Dec 25, 2009 Post a comment I spoke with my brother Steve today. He must be one of the most intelligent people I know. But alas, he is a lost soul which is probably why he is so insightful He is a philosopher. If he had a job, this would rob him of his time to think, to read, to explore. So which of us is really lost? By the worlds standards, it would be he. You see, he is an alcoholic, a heroin addict and an ex-con and has AIDS. He does not leave his home really. He is almost a recluse. To go out in public is subjecting himself to harms way. He is the person that the police would stop and harass just because of the way he looks or because of his demeanor. He cannot afford cable so therefore has no TV. He does not have a computer (it's broken and he can't afford to get it fixed) so therefore he reads. And he reads alot. The Bible, history books and he is an expert on it all. And he calls himself "eclectic". He prays like a Christian, he thinks like a Hindu and lives like a Budhist. I wished him Merry Christmas today and he told me how much he hates Christmas. He told me that he has had better Christmases in prison. He gets a hot meal, he is surrounded by others and they sing carols. He told me all he got for Christmas this year was an eviction notice and a cold. He is sick and he sounded so tired. Then he expounded on the statement we hear so much this time of year "the reason for the season" and that it really should be the "spirit of the season". I do not believe I can ever send out a Christmas card again that says the "reason for the season". It is the spirit of the season that should be enjoyed. Family, friends, making memories. Not all he rush of buying, attending parties, go go go rush rush rush (this is how I live my life!) I wish I could remember every thing he said but it boiled down to this: That Jesus was really born closer to the summer, hence the reason the shepherds were out watching their flocks by night. And that the 3 wise men actually showed up two years later. And he knows all about the history of Santa Claus (Dutch,Sinter Klaus) and talked about the Yule Log (part of the winter soltice). He sounded so tired. Tired of fighting his life, tired of the system, ready to go. I have not heard him sound like this before. Do I talk to him that often? No, twice a year. I am commiting to myself that I will call him more often. I am one who allows myself to let the busy-ness of my life get in the way of my relationsips. But I won't go into that now, that's a whole blog in and of itself (running away from depression? I think I have written a bit about that previously). Heres to you Steve, Merry Christmas and I really do wish you a better and happier New Year. It's the spirit of the season..................

Tasha

Tasha February 27, 2010 We said goodbye to our little Tashie-dog yesterday. Our hearts are heavy. As I awake this morning, the cat is waiting. Every morning we would do our routine. The cat hears my alarm clock go off and she comes upstairs and waits patiently for me to get out of bed. As I get up, Tasha wakes up and they both (Maisy, the cat and Tasha, the dog) follow me into the bathroom. Tasha would always go into my closet and roll around scratching her face on the carpet and Maisy would do circles around my feet waiting for her food. Then we all go downstairs. Tasha and Maisy, side by side and me, following behind. Tasha gets sent outside and then Maisy and I go to the laundry room to get her morning food. I would let Tasha back inside and she would race around the living room and into the wicker chair as if to get warm before heading back upstairs to her bed. Even as I write this and I go into the living room, I cry. Tasha is usually right by my side, jumping to get on the couch so that she can be near me. Everywhere I turn, I am reminded of her and the fact that she is no longer here. I am crying , almost uncontrollably. I turn the corner and the potty pads that we had to keep on the floor as she got older have been removed. In the kitchen, the placemat that held her food and water is no longer there. Her bed is no longer next to mine. The mat on the couch that she used to sleep on has been removed. I look in her toy basket to see what’s in there and yes, we still have it, her first little toy, the purple and blue ball that was just as big as her when she was a puppy. She used to put that ball in her mouth and run around. She was such a funny dog. We got Tasha in December, 1995. She was a Christmas present for our daughter, Alexandra. I remember the day we picked her up. She was so tiny and I remember being sad that we were taking her from her mother. I told her that I would be her mommy now and I believe I did become that. That dog loved me unconditionally. She was always by my side. She was so tiny, white and cute. Alexandra was just 4, about to be 5 and Olivia was one. Because Olivia was little, it was as though Tasha thought she was bigger than Olivia and she would show it, even as Olivia became a teenager. Any time Olivia would try to pick up Tasha, she would growl at her. It was as if she was trying to muscle her way through the situation. It was funny. Tasha quickly settled into our family and became one of us. She would play in the back yard with us, catching a Frisbee or a tennis ball. When the girls had their little swimming pool in the back yard, Tasha would always try to jump into it to play and on occasion she actually made it! Of course once in, she didn’t like it but would always try again. She just wanted to be a part of the fun. There are so many memories of her in this house. The girls and I, on a Saturday morning would play was we called “Tasha Hockey”. She would latch on to the dust mop on the hardwood floor and go for a ride. This made us giggle with delight and I believe I captured it on video (I hope so!). And then when Enzo was on a shift that would have him arriving home around 6:00pm, Tasha would bury her nose in the door to the garage as she knew he would be walking through at any moment. Then there was the time that I was in the living room, again around 6:00pm and she started barking uncontrollably, as if someone were here. Shortly thereafter, I saw Enzo’s truck coming down the road. Tasha knew he was coming before I ever saw him! As I continue to write, it is now 2 weeks later and I am still missing her. I still feel as though I should be letting her out at night before going to bed. I still catch myself thinking she will be barking at the door when I come home. Oh how she used to bark when I came home from work. It was as though she was yelling at me, asking me why I left her all day long. I know that ‘s what she was saying. And then there were the times I would be in the kitchen talking to Enzo and she would stand on her hind legs and keep jumping and barking at me as if to say “pick me up, pick me up”, just as a small child would. My friend Bob posted a memory of her on my Facebook. He said he would miss the sleepovers with her. “Uncle Bob” on occasion would watch Tasha when we would go on vacation. It was so funny because sometimes it would be a year since Tasha would have seen Bob, but she always remembered him and would jump and bark with delight when Bob would come to take her away. She would go running down the drive way and jump into his car without reservation, looking forward to going to “Uncle Bob’s” for the week. I recall one time Bob said that he let her out at 3:00am and she went running down the street and Bob had to run out in his underwear chasing her to come back. Too funny! And then there was time last summer that the girls and I pick her up at the kennel after a long weekend. I did not have her on a leash as I usually just carried her. But I had let her down to go potty and darn if that dog didn’t take off. She went flying as if to try to find freedom and I was running all over the parking lot trying to catch her. It wasn’t funny at the time but after I finally got her, the girls and I started laughing hysterically! And that was the start of her decline, it was last summer. We had not put her in the kennel for a couple of years and therefore I had not kept up with her shots. We were going camping and decided to kennel her so I took her in to get caught up on her vacinations. I don’t know if they gave her too big a dose or what but she came down with the most annoying case of a cough which I understand can be a reaction to the Bordatella vaccine. It lasted for a month and then the seizures started. She would have a seizure every time she would chase the cat so of course this was almost daily. Then I think she figured it out or maybe she was tired because she eventually pretty much stopped chasing the cat. The seizures stopped. Until about a month ago and the out of the blue she had one. A couple of days went by and she would have another. I took Olivia to Paris for the weekend and when we got back, Tasha was really bad. She was having one to two seizures a day now, this was Tuesday. By Wednesday, she was having accidents in her bed and not eating and she could no longer make it down the stairs to go potty. When she would attempt the stairs, she would have a seizure shortly thereafter. We decided that it maybe we should put her down. I called Alexandra on Thursday afternoon and told her that the decision had been made and it was time. Please come home if you want to see her one more time. She was angry and didn’t believe in our decision. That night all four of us sat in the family room and we had Tasha on the couch with us. We hand fed her a few bites. I took pictures of her with the girls. She had no life left in her. That night, we had her sleep downstairs in the kitchen in her little bed. I remember hearing her at 2:30 in the morning drinking a lot of water and I thought about going downstairs and taking the water away as she was drinking too much, but before I could actually act upon it, she had a seizure. Alexandra was downstairs before me and carried her outside. I followed. Alexandra held onto her on the lawn while she had her seizure. After she came out of it she stood on the lawn for a couple of minutes and then wandered out to the bushes and proceeded to empty her stomach of all the water that she had consumed. Alexandra and I stood on the patio, in the rain, for 15 minutes until she finished. That’s when I think Alexandra knew that it was a hopeless situation. We took Tasha back inside and went back to bed. Before I left for work at 6:00am, she had another seizure. While I was at work, Alexandra called me hysterically about 1:00pm. She said Tasha was dying and to come home quickly. Apparently she had a bad seizure and was lifeless and her tongue hanging out. I left immediately and prayed the whole way home that this would be it so that I did not have to actually make the decision and God would take her instead. Darn if that little dog didn’t still hang on. We waited for Olivia to get home from school. This was it. All four of us. We put Tasha in her little pink blanket. Alexandra carried her. To the vet we went. I felt as I was an executioner, as I tried to convince myself that it was the right thing to do. I filled out the paperwork and while doing so, Tasha’s ears pricked up and for a fleeting moment I wondered if we were making a mistake, but I told myself there was no turning back. This was it. Alexandra and I waited in the waiting room. Enzo and Olivia said their last goodbyes and went out to the car. We were taken to an examination room quickly. We waited in the room crying. Alexandra holding on to her the entire time, in her little pink blanket. The vet came in and explained the procedure to us and told us that afterward wee could stay in the room with her as long as we needed. It was quick. As soon as the vet administered the dose, she was gone. Just like that, it was over. We had not decided what to do with her remains so we left it open. My heart was broken After many tears, I made my decision. And it makes me feel a bit better. I buried our Tashie-dog in the back yard with a couple of her favorite toys (the blue and purple ball) and her little lambs wool mat that we brought her home in. I placed her in a box and she looked just like she was sleeping. She still had on the little diamond stud earrings that the groomer had put on her ears after her last visit. I wrote a note telling her that we all loved her and wrapped the box with a bow. She is still with us, close to us. This house is her home and this is where she belongs. A couple of days ago, I looked at the pictures that I took of her on her last night with us. She looked so small. There was no life left in her eyes. I started crying with sadness but it was the right thing to do. We all miss her. She cannot be replaced. But she will live on forever in our hearts and minds. I love you Tasha. Rest In Peace.

5:00pm

5:00pm Jul 29, 2010 What is it with me? Is this the same for all of us? I think not. I have such great ideas, such energy, the spirit of life. And then I get home. Why do I allow myself to do this? Most days this same old thing just goes on. And nothing that I wanted to do gets done. No riding my bike, no yoga, no mundane tasks like laundry. Just TV. What a waste of time. What a waste of life. Can I commit to live differently? Will today be a better day? Only 5:00pm will tell. I tell myself every morning that today will be the day to start anew. And then 5:00pm comes. And another day is over. Be strong, live strong. Maybe that’s it. I have a Lance Armstrong bracelet sitting in front of me on my work bulletin board. I am going to put it on and wear it and perhaps that will trigger me to stop and think. At 5:00pm. I will let you know what happens. Live Strong."

Steve in the Sky with Diamonds

Steve in the Sky with Diamonds Jul 29, 2010 at 10:20 AM Had we all grown so far apart that he felt he could not reach out to any of us? And then I thought no, that cant be it. I just believe he was tired and ready to go on his own terms rather that let his disease take him. He was a legend to those who never got to know him…who was this Uncle Steve…the white haired wild eyed brother? As I sat in my backyard on Sunday night reflecting on a life that was lost, and wondering why I wasn’t feeling just a bit more sorrow, I leaned my head back and looked up into the sky. My first thought was, there are no stars out because it stays light so late. So then I stared up into the clouds and realized I was looking at a face, a face surrounded by what looked to be wild white hair. I could see two eyes, a nose and a mouth. As I continued to stare at the face in the clouds I realized that the figure had a hand extended out and I reached my hand out to him and cried and said goodbye. As figure slowly melted away, I came to the realization that this was truly a sign from Steve telling me that he was OK and that he looked forward to the day I (we) could join him."

Loneliness

Aug 8, 2010 at 9:19 PM Loneliness. I’m not sure how this has happened. I am alone. Wait, the cat is next to me but she does not talk. And she is asleep. So is my husband. Upstairs. Asleep. My daughters are gone. One has moved away and now lives in another state. The other has a social life and is busy. I am alone and lonely. And it’s only beginning. What do you do when you are alone but you are married? It’s 9:00pm on a Sunday night, but this could be any day of the week. And then soon winter will be here and it will be even lonelier because then the bad weather will set in and I will even feel more alone. I miss my girls. I miss laughing with them, watching a movie with them, watching reality (senseless) TV with them. I miss what my life was and I am afraid of what my life may become."

Blast from the past!

I haven't been on this blog site since 2007! I forgot that I had a blog on blogspot. The original blog was from when I was President of Showstoppers Dance Group. Loved that group but the girls grew up and grew apart although mine still dances! Love those Showstoppers!

Showstoppers

Welcome to Showstoppers!

Upcoming Rehearsals:

January 6 10:00am-1:00pm

Other January Rehearsals will be determined at Parent Meeting Jan 6

REHEARSAL TIMES ARE FOR ALL DANCERS UNLESS NOTED OTHERWISE

Upcoming Parent Meetings :

January 6 10:30 (you can make a coffee run before meeting)

*** Signups for concessions/flowers**** (again)

Please try to think of some fun, creative ideas for fundraising !!!

UpcomingEvents:

Nutcracker Jan 12, 13, 14

PLEASE LET TENEKA KNOW IN ADVANCE IF YOUR DANCER WILL BE UNABLE TO ATTEND A PERFORMANCE. (Dancers need to arrive 1 hour before performance time unless notified otherwise)

***DANCERS - PLEASE REMEMBER TO LABEL ALL OF YOUR BELONGINGS, INCLUDING WARM-UPS and SHOES

All accounts need to be paid in full. Please place your membership fee in Brent's file payable to Showstoppers.

PLEASE CHECK WITH BRENT TO MAKE SURE THAT ALL OF YOUR DANCER'S MEMBERSHIP FEES HAVE BEEN PAID IN FULL AND THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY OUTSTANDING COSTUME BALANCES.

DANCERS WILL PAY ON A MONTHLY BASIS $50 EACH MONTH BEGINNING OCTOBER 1.

Reminder - Ninth Avenue studio does not collect fees for Showstoppers tuition or costumes. All fees are paid directly to Showstoppers and payment can be given to Brent or left in his file.